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League Opens an Official Investigation
By Ian_Coyle
Special to

Ohio - Commissioner Kevin Mullendore announced today that the RZL is officially opening an investigation into reports of food poisoning at the RZL Draft this year, held at Radio City Music Hall in New York. Reports have surfaced that GM's Ben Harbinger and Maurice Heard were both seen running to the event center's bathrooms during a critical first round in which both teams missed two top 15 picks each.

TMZ leaked a surveillance photo of a member of the event center's catering staff earlier today, and have claimed that this employee is actually related to one of the other RZL GM's. We spoke to TMZ and were told that this is GM Ian Coyle's cousin on condition of anonymity. This assertion is quite shocking, but makes a little bit of sense. First, consider the blue highlights on his collar. Next, the Colts were perhaps one of the biggest benefactors of the Cardinals' missing their pick at 1.6, with WR Ellis falling to them. What is unclear is how they would have benefited from the Giants also missing their picks. Also, does this mysterious illness explain why Browns GM Daren Roberts took the pedestrian DT Robert Williams at 1.5? This same employee was later caught in another compromising photo.

The League office is said to be reviewing their vetting process for all event staff going forward. Mr. Mullendore was quoted as saying, "All I can say is that I'm glad that I had the hamburgers that day. The draft may have been stalled for hours if I had decided to eat the tacos." "Mr. Harbinger is famous for his love of Mexican foods, so I'm not surprised that, with this information widely known, someone tainted the tacos. What I am a bit surprised by is that Anthony (Fernandez) wasn't phased at all by them. I personally watched him eat like 20 of those things, yet he powered through like a champion. Perhaps it was the 200 oz of Diet Coke he drank to keep himself alert the whole weekend, or perhaps it was just an iron stomach." "Either way, we are conducting a full investigation and we will get to the bottom of it. If Mr. Coyle was involved in any way, there will be some swift disciplinary action!"

The investigation will likely take weeks, and we'll keep you posted on the results. Until then, the League will keep on with it's schedule with Free Agency upon us next week.
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